Friday, August 22, 2014

Challenges Can Turn Into Blessings

I started this post a couple of days ago on my phone, originally when I started I had a list of items that I felt were holding me back from progressing but as I wrote, I realized a lot of what I was thinking that was holding me back was actually a blessing. Kind of an a ha moment that helped me see things differently and I started to appreciate it. I am leaving the rest of the post as is, I want to remember how writing this down showed me the answer.

I'm very unsettled because I know the life changes ahead for me cannot even start until some long term ones happen. The first being able to move which won't be happening until next summer before Valentina starts junior high. Unfortunately the longer I stay here, the more I feel stuck. I actually never even made the place homey by decorating or putting pictures up. My next place is where I want to unpack, put pictures up and make the place mine. I'm hoping to bury some memories that way too.
I'm anxious to close the door on my past from where I live, there are too many memories of 'him' and not necessarily things but moments and memories that come from being here. I want to start fresh... being here reminds me too many times of 'him'... they dance behind the scene until a sight or smell reminds me of the past.

Second I want to complete both courses to get my paperwork so I can run payroll anywhere in Canada. However, I'm having challenges with that now, one course is waiting on upper management approval and the second I need to pay for upfront... then get my money back. Unfortunately it looks like I might need to replace my washer... a necessity in this household, so school would be on hold.
I was feeling panicked to complete both courses by the end of the year because if I don't I will then need to work a year in the field to get my papers to have my PCP. I was frustrated with the road blocks placed in my way, when I thought about it I realized I can get a job in the payroll field just with my work experience here and the fact that I completed the courses.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it might actually be better for me to take one course at a time and give it my full attention. That way I will have time for living a bit of a normal life too, maybe even start dating again. I think I have put that on hold long enough, I just wrote about needing balance, I think this is a much better way of attaining that goal. Besides I don't want to add more stress to my life that most likely wouldn't benefit me in the long run.

Challenges can turn into blessings, it is just hard to see sometimes... 
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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.
I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.
I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...
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