Monday, July 21, 2014

Love Will Come To Me

I took a break from blogging for a few days as Valentina was going away for a week to Cindy's and I wanted to spend all my free time with her.  So this week is my week, it is my birthday on Wednesday... I accomplished what I set out to do over a year ago, when I decided I would not be in the same place a year from then, I took off the 80 pounds.  Since I can see how committed I am to making a change I am making new goals, if we don't that is when we fail.

I am excited for some of the changes that are happening, first is school, once I have completed the courses I have a couple of options that I am thinking about. Second I have committed this year to downsizing and preparing to move next year.  I will be in a much better place financially and I will be able to afford a nicer place.... I am looking forward to this move as I would like it to be a place I stay for years to come.  Unless of course I meet someone. Third I have decided not to date until January at the earliest, due to the two courses I will be taking, I wouldn't have time to give anyone right now.
The other thing I plan to do is up my savings so that I will be prepared financially to move, usually I am unorganized and rushing around at the last minute boxing things up.  That is another one of those changes I am making now, I am going to follow a budget by writing down everything I spend, I think once I do that I will start to be a lot more careful.  I used to be the queen of budgets and savings but once I started having a little more money, I felt entitled to spend it.... that was the mentality I had to change, I need to continue to get back to my strong roots of budgeting and saving.  I already have Christmas money and food money saved.

This week is also the week that I am really putting out the effort to walk as much as I can, I really want to get my speed back to where it was last year so that I can work on bettering that one.  It's a good week for me to get my house and my thoughts together, I don't have to think about anything other than work for the next few days. I also plan to get as much rest as possible, that means getting into bed by nine or nine thirty with all social media turned off.  I feel like I took a little more control of my life this week and that feels good.
I have no control over the outcome but I am making my own decisions.  For almost a year I struggled to make any decision and I wondered if I would ever be able to handle one in the future.  Thankfully the future came, believe me there were times I seriously wondered.... Almost a year ago my life changed by 180 degrees and it made me question everything I knew.  Today I made it through all those changes and although it was one of the most painful years of my life, I still believe that love exists and when the time is right, it will come to me.

With my choices and goals preparing me, I know that love will come to me.
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Monday, July 14, 2014

A Little More Than Five Years Ago

I should be sleeping, as if that isn't what I have been telling myself for nearly ten months... I think when the upheaval started in my life the end of September, it threw everything out of whack for me... even though I am feeling more at peace in my life now, I still don't sleep any longer than a few hours at a time before I awaken... then I fall back to sleep.  In the beginning I worried about not getting the proper rest I needed to actually handle my day to day life and although I don't think it is a wonderful thing to go through life without proper sleep, the kind where you dream... I have managed to live and find ways around not getting deep sleep.

So, my Valentina came home from camp, she thoroughly enjoyed her time there... except for the massive bug bites she received... note to self, always remember bug spray in the future... apparently there are lots of mosquito's and such in the country.  I really missed her and it looks like she is going away for another week this Saturday.  She is excited because it gives her the opportunity to hang outside, play and swim, so I am very happy for her.

Also, just a bit of a catch up with everyone, I ate pretty well this week and better than that, I exercised four of the last six days ... it felt amazing. Unfortunately I was really ill over the weekend, not sure what it was... but it kept me indoors, I am feeling much better now.  I have even decided that I want to find a few people that will walk with me, however; I need them to be a little competitive, or they may end up walking by themselves as I don't want to just amble along.  This is why I have decided to look for some groups in my area of like minded people.  The more the better, since I want to exercise regularly... I want to set myself up for success.

A friend I hadn't spoken to for a while contacted me and we had a really good talk, the kind I haven't been able to have for a long time... I hadn't realized how much I had bottled up inside myself until we talked, it was a great release. I hope we can talk more regularly ... although we did promise to make time for each other, I know it will take a lot of work.  I am prepared to put in the work... hopefully my friend will too... I think we all need someone we can just say whatever we need to say and not worry about how it will sound.
Today I realized it has been a little over five years since I started my blog... I remember writing my first post and publishing it... I never thought I would write over 700 posts since that day. Everyone who has read my blog, knows that I started to write it to give myself a voice.  I had lost myself along the way when I married my ex Andrey and after he raped me in 2008 I went inward and tried to forget it. Of course that never works, that only serves to destroy a person.  Talking about it was the only way I came through to the other side... once I started writing, I started talking more and once I did that, I found myself and my voice.

Then in late 2011 I fell in love with 'him' and he became the center of my life and my blog... mainly because he was my best friend and he helped me to want better for myself.  I grew a lot in the two plus years we talked... one of them being that I found my self esteem that I had been missing for so many years.  Two, I remember when we first started dating and I used to think how lucky I was to be with 'him'... then I remember last summer thinking how lucky 'he' and I were that we made it through dating and stayed friends.  Today, almost a year later, I honestly believe, 'he' was lucky to be with me.

I know that sounds conceited but I am not, nor have I ever been.  I say that now because I can look back with open eyes and see that I gave a hundred percent of myself to 'him', even when I knew we were only friends. I would never have walked away from 'him' for any reason... that is why 'he' was lucky to be with me, I would not turn my back on him for any reason, not even now.  

A little more than five years after writing my first post, I can look back and say it was one of the best things I ever decided to do in my life.  I found a passion with writing... this was something I wanted to do for years. Also, I connected with many people across the globe, something that I never would have done without the blog.  I have wanted to travel for years, writing this blog makes me want to travel more, I would love to meet many of you. I am not going to write names because there are so many and I would never want to leave anyone out. I am just grateful for each and everyone of you for being there for me as I hope I am there for you too.
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