Friday, July 25, 2014

Making It Through To The Other Side

I remember thinking I would never get to this day... this time and actually say that I am happy. Even though this last year was both a high and a low... the high getting my life back, the low losing 'him'. I cannot nor will I ever understand why?... only 'he' would know and 'he' never said.

I was a basket case, I couldn't sleep, I still have issues, I cried all the time and I barely functioned. For nine long months I wondered if I'd ever feel joy again? Could I believe in love? In those first nine months I doubted that I could. Truthfully I wasn't sure I wanted to again.

Honestly after giving my whole heart and soul to 'him' only to be hurt more than I ever thought possible... I wasn't sure I ever wanted to love that way again. Why would I want to when 'he' did and said everything 'he' said he wouldn't? 'He' became all that he promised he never would... I remember asking 'him' one time, if someone else came into his life, how would that affect us? 'He' told me she would have to accept that we were friends...

What did I learn from all of this? Just because I'm open and honest does not mean everyone else is... people have their own agendas... No matter what some people say, they don't mean it when the time comes to prove the truth. No matter what we think or believe, not everyone is like us, not everyone is as open and honest. As much as I wanted to shut down, close out the world and try to forget the pain... It was there, the old me would have done everything possible to bury that pain deep, where no one could find it but the me of today won't let that happen anymore.

I heard the quote about how  “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” and it resonated with me and what I went through. I know that some people don't think what happened was anything that could destroy a person but for me, having my trust broken is one of the worst things I have dealt with. I believe losing trust is one of the most difficult things to deal with because it makes you question everything you have ever trusted in... and everyone.

The quote made me think about how no matter what is thrown my way, I keep getting stronger even when I doubt that I can... I am tenacious, I never give up and I always make it through to the other side.
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Monday, July 21, 2014

Love Will Come To Me

I took a break from blogging for a few days as Valentina was going away for a week to Cindy's and I wanted to spend all my free time with her.  So this week is my week, it is my birthday on Wednesday... I accomplished what I set out to do over a year ago, when I decided I would not be in the same place a year from then, I took off the 80 pounds.  Since I can see how committed I am to making a change I am making new goals, if we don't that is when we fail.

I am excited for some of the changes that are happening, first is school, once I have completed the courses I have a couple of options that I am thinking about. Second I have committed this year to downsizing and preparing to move next year.  I will be in a much better place financially and I will be able to afford a nicer place.... I am looking forward to this move as I would like it to be a place I stay for years to come.  Unless of course I meet someone. Third I have decided not to date until January at the earliest, due to the two courses I will be taking, I wouldn't have time to give anyone right now.
The other thing I plan to do is up my savings so that I will be prepared financially to move, usually I am unorganized and rushing around at the last minute boxing things up.  That is another one of those changes I am making now, I am going to follow a budget by writing down everything I spend, I think once I do that I will start to be a lot more careful.  I used to be the queen of budgets and savings but once I started having a little more money, I felt entitled to spend it.... that was the mentality I had to change, I need to continue to get back to my strong roots of budgeting and saving.  I already have Christmas money and food money saved.

This week is also the week that I am really putting out the effort to walk as much as I can, I really want to get my speed back to where it was last year so that I can work on bettering that one.  It's a good week for me to get my house and my thoughts together, I don't have to think about anything other than work for the next few days. I also plan to get as much rest as possible, that means getting into bed by nine or nine thirty with all social media turned off.  I feel like I took a little more control of my life this week and that feels good.
I have no control over the outcome but I am making my own decisions.  For almost a year I struggled to make any decision and I wondered if I would ever be able to handle one in the future.  Thankfully the future came, believe me there were times I seriously wondered.... Almost a year ago my life changed by 180 degrees and it made me question everything I knew.  Today I made it through all those changes and although it was one of the most painful years of my life, I still believe that love exists and when the time is right, it will come to me.

With my choices and goals preparing me, I know that love will come to me.
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