Your Behavior Doesn't Dictate My Behavior

I had a wonderful morning with Valentina... we went to the playground (unfortunately it was too cold), then we decided to window shop a little... it was good to just spend the morning together.

The afternoon was much lazier, I spent the time cleaning but mostly relaxing... I feel rejuvenated after having the six days off.  I really needed the time and I was able to spend most of the time with my Valentina.

We were able to get in about a thirty minute walk today... I've been working on getting at least thirty minutes in each day... it's not easy as I have so many excuses that I have to get passed. I wish I didn't have so many but I plan to push through them all.

My sister and I were chatting this morning and discussing our upbringing with Ruth ... she brought up the fact that Ruth was abused as a child.  When I reminded her that although the three of us had been physically abused by Ruth... not one of us abused our own children.

We have the ability to change how we were brought up... frankly we knew that Ruth was wrong and we all knew that we didn't want to repeat her terrible behavior.  Ruth was weak... she still is because she can't admit that she was wrong to treat us as she did. 

She will have to live with her behavior and she alone will have to answer for her treatment of us... I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about when or how she will be dealt with... I'm just thankful I'm not her.  I have my own things to deal with... as we all do... as much as I feel that I have the right to judge Ruth, I don't though... I only need to worry about my own actions. 

When I release myself from judging Ruth or anyone else, it takes a lot of stress out of my life.  I know that some people have the need to see other people pay for their behavior, I have no desire for any of this.  I don't want her or anyone else to dictate my happiness ...  I like that little bit of freedom that I have, these people cannot affect my life anymore...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Missing In Action

I've had the desire to write but first I had to write to someone.  It has been a very long time since I have sat down and wrote an actual letter by hand.  I wanted this to be personal, I seriously think we have became an impersonal society with all of our technology.  Instead of being thoughtful, we text out a quick sentence... it's wonderful that we have that ability but with that quickness we lose the meaning sometimes.

I have to admit it was taking me awhile since I seem to think so much quicker because I am continually taking in so much information all the time.   Like right this moment I am writing this and going back and forth reading notifications.  I'm not focused, I have been noticing this lately but I realized it more when I sat down to write that letter...

I had to turn everything off.. not an easy thing for me to do and I didn't know why.  Then writing that letter made me realize how I always try to keep it noisy, even when I sleep... I NEVER turn my phone off, that changes tonight... I often fall asleep with the TV... another thing to go.

That letter took a lot out of me emotionally... I wrote and rewrote it, it's finally done.  While writing it, I had no energy to write anything else... I had the desire but I was exhausted.

Tonight I was reading blogs and Dawn who writes Healing Morning wrote about meditation... it's the answer to what I need.  I'm starting this tonight and in the morning... I need to clear my mind, I need to make quiet time.  I know that when I do this, I will have a better start to my day, hopefully with less stress. 

It might help with my insomnia... it may have me focused in the morning.  I can see this being good for me.  I'm looking forward to that fifteen minutes or more... eventually I want it to be 30 minutes twice a day. An hour a day for myself seemed like a lot but I give those hours away so easily for unimportant things that I realized an hour a day for myself is a small thing to ask. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Life Should Be An Adventure

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." 

- Helen Keller 

I read this quote and when I thought about security and how we all look for it in our lives.  At least the people I know are always searching for it, through a relationship... a career... or something creative.  It doesn't really exist as the quote states above, having the perfect relationship doesn't bring it about because no relationship is perfect.  Since we as people are not perfect the relationship cannot be either.. we learn to live with and love other people's idiosyncrasies...  I learned this when I fell in love with my David, I looked past the flaws he had as we all have... to see the best in him.  

Finding a career you can be secure in is really a myth these days, I don't know how realistic it is to think that there is any real security in your job.  I personally think we need to believe in ourselves and know that if the job we had ceased to exist that there will be something better down the way... it could be something different, we need to be opened to the possibilities.  I am seeing how things are changing quickly for each generation, for my great grandparents, they lived in one small town and worked at the same job all their lives.  My grandmother moved to the city but she still had the same career all of her life.  My father traveled North America and lived out a lot of his dreams, he wasn't held back by one job. 

I have worked in a few different fields in my life, adapting each time... I love my career now but even there I want to change it up a bit... I need to move on within the company.  I seriously wonder how my great grandparents stayed in one little town and worked at the same job all their lives.. Where is the growth in that, that is just existing... they were never taught to dream of anything better... I hope the one thing that I did is teach my children to dream big and to never settle for anything less than the best. 

I love the last line of the quote above... how it states that it is no safer to avoid danger...  Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.  I know we all want security but if it means that we have no adventure, is it really worth it?  For me, the lack of adventure isn't worth all the security in the world.  It is just a life lived but not truly enjoyed. Life should be an adventure. 

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥   

Happy Tenth Birthday To My Valentina

I can't believe it has been ten years since my Valentina was born... a day when I learned it was possible to love two children with my whole heart but in different ways.

Right from the moment she was born, I was enamored by her as many people have been over the years.  She has a kind and very sweet personality with a beautiful smile.  It's difficult to not be drawn to her, she has that beautiful quality.

Every day I have her in my life I feel beyond blessed... my Heavenly Father knew the personality I could handle... My Valentina is so soft hearted, if she becomes snappy with me.. she apologizes quickly.

Her spirit is so beautiful and she shines from the inside out.  Today the weather was so much like the day she was born, sunny and cool... I'm transported back to that day, remembering how my heart opened so wide once I held her after delivering her.

Happy tenth Birthday to my beautiful baby daughter Valentina.... my life changed in such a good way ten years ago today <3

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Speeding Train Of Life

I am off for the next six days, which I am thrilled about.  I will miss work though, I really enjoy talking to the clients and lately I am learning so many things... it's like that at my job.  There is a vast amount of information, nobody and I mean nobody knows everything, so at times it can be overwhelming with everything there is to learn.  Sometimes I think my brain isn't taking in anything and I become frustrated with myself but then I have time periods like this where I am endlessly learning and retaining. It's a good feeling, it makes me know I am doing the right thing by advancing in my career in the near future... I can actually that see what I am doing now as becoming monotonous.  I never thought I would say that ever but I can now because most days are run of the mill... I get a few odd things but mainly it is simple things I already know how to do.

Anyhow, work is on the back burner for the next six days... I will be way to busy with cleaning and getting ready for Valentina's party on Friday/Saturday... those will just be days for her.  Tomorrow is her actual birthday so she and I are going to spend the majority of the day together, first I am taking her to school and for some silly reason she is really excited about that. Second, I am buying her a cheesecake of her choice and Chinese food.  After she's off to bed tomorrow, I plan to post a special blog about her for her big tenth birthday.  I seriously cannot believe that ten years have passed.

Having children really opened my eyes to how time is speeding by quickly and to how much time I have wasted... I want to stop wasting more of my time.   I read a blog this morning from a girl that has not blogged for quite sometime, her posts were about her effort to lose weight and how she felt about herself.  Well this morning when I opened it up, it was her truthful and candor honesty that made me think about how I have been doing the same thing she did.

She got off track, gained a lot of the weight back and so did her husband.... she was writing today as her husband ended up having heart surgery and she realized how she had been ignoring her body and eating whatever she wanted.  To all the excuses she came up with for not exercising... most of what she wrote, she could have been writing about me.  I have this grand plan to workout and I really want to but I keep coming up with excuses for not starting. 

Like her, she is tired of them... so am I, she realizes as do I that  our time is now... if not we could end up where her husband is...a scary thought.  I ended up walking to the mall to catch my bus this morning, it was only fifteen minutes but it was a start.  I ate only healthy today, so today was my first day getting back on track.  It may take me a while to build up my strength to walk longer but I am going to keep working at it and if I fail a day here and there as I am bound to do since I am human.  I will not allow for it to derail me... my dad was only 55 when he had a heart attack... I need to take heed and really start taking care of myself.

I was really failing in the taking care of myself department,, after reading her blog this morning... it opened my eyes that until I am honest with myself I will continue to gain weight.  I have a lot on my plate but I think it will be good for me to be busy... especially in a few weeks where I know things are going to change in my life.... being busy will be good, it might distract me.  I have had a really big decision that I have had to make, I have made it... part of me is relieved... the other part of me is scared.  That's good though right?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Other-Worth or Self-Worth

"Self-worth cannot be verified by others. You are worthy because you say it is so. If you depend on others for your value it is other-worth."

- Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I was reading through some of my emails from The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp and I came across this quote above by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, I remember seeing him on a PBS special a couple of years ago... I was so taken with the program that I had to go out and buy his book. There are so many common sense items in it, things that we know but sometimes we turn them around to sound better but we change the meaning, he states the meaning clearly...

This quote touched me as I have had a few self doubts about myself lately and I kept looking for someone or something to take away the doubts I have been having.... when really it is all up to me, if I say I am worthy, I am.  This seems like such an easy concept when you hear it but for me it's difficult because I have to accept that I can do something about the way I feel.  There in lies my issue, I self evaluate myself continually looking for someone to show me or tell me that I am of worth... 

Mainly I have done this, looked to others to validate my worthiness because I felt that it was others that took it away from me to begin with... Just because Ruth my ex step mother did everything she could within her power to destroy my worth, doesn't mean she was right about me.  What it means is that she herself lacked any self worth of her own and instead of making herself a better person, she did everything she could to drag me to her level.

Unfortunately some people never see their worth and what they really could be capable of, they continue to lay the blame from their past experiences in the present.  I can say this because I was raised by her and I did not raise my children the same way... I'm not a perfect mother... who is... but I do know that destroying a child's self worth in themselves will do absolutely nothing to make me feel better.  In fact it would only lower my self worth.

I am not saying that it is easy to overcome how we were raised , on the contrary... I think it is hard work.   However; I think it is work that is worth doing, otherwise she and people like her succeed in pulling me down to their level.   My self worth doesn't come from what Ruth tried to instill in me, nor does it come from anyone else... It comes from me. When I remember that, I know that I have to do something to change my circumstances if I want my feelings to change.

Remember that challenge I said I would have to deal with... it is fast approaching... I have tried to side step it, ignore it and just plain defy it... It's not going away, it's one of those challenges that I am going to have to do something about ... I also know that until I do acknowledge it, it will control me and my emotions.  Some decisions are hard to accept, others are beyond what I think I am capable of  handling.  This quote reminded me that I alone make the decision of my self worth and the way that I deal with this up coming challenge will really show me what I am made of.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Social Media On A Timer

I spent the day reading blogs and cooking a meal for dinner and for lunch tomorrow, my little Valentina is not feeling so well... I spent the day tending to her, she has a sore throat and a fever.  Hopefully she'll feel better in the morning or she will be spending the day at home with Cindy.  So, I took the day to get caught up with everyone's blog that I follow and who had posted plus I have gone around to most of my social media and changed my picture from me and David to a picture of myself, except for here on the blog, I am not ready to change it here yet.

David is going on exercise for two or three weeks, not sure of the length... there is no communication with the outside when they are on one of these... It's going to be difficult for me not to text him as we text every day and always said good night.  This will be good since I have decided to cap a limit on my time that I give to social media.  I love staying connected but there are times we all have to unplug occasionally, otherwise we miss out on the small things right in front of us.

I am going to start limiting my usage with the timer on my phone... since I love how I say I will just check something out and be five minutes; with a timer, I will really see if it is five minutes.  I am also going to get Valentina's tablet charged up and use that to write my blog while I am on the bus, I miss writing my blog in the morning, I used to do this on my blackberry but it became too hard on my android touch screen.  With the tablet, the keys are larger and less of a chance of hitting the wrong key with my fingers.

My phone is great to use when you are sitting, just not moving as it is ultra sensitive.... which can be frustrating if you keep clicking the wrong letter.  So, I limit my use to going through Twitter and Facebook, it will be nice to use my time wisely on the bus again.  That way when I get home at night, I will be able to post immediately... then relax and read the blogs I follow.  This will be especially helpful when I start having a two hour trip home on the bus, at least I will be accomplishing something and not feel like I have wasted all my time.

I am only working two days this week, since I took off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to clean my house for Valentina's birthday sleep over this weekend... as well I wanted to be able to make a nice birthday dinner for her on Wednesday with just her and me..  She is looking forward to this very much so I hope whatever illness she has passes soon so she can enjoy her time coming up.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥