I have been holding off writing all day, I actually wrote a blog on the way to work but it ended up being so personal I couldn't even share it here and I am pretty darned open in my blog. Suffice to say it is going to be for only two sets of eyes, mine and Davids. Also, I have been holding out writing because this day had been so emotionally difficult, the kind of day where it would have been better to stay in bed, pull the blankets up over my head and just cry until I felt better.
I did the crying part but I did that on the way to work, at work, on the way home... I cried all night. I just have to think and I cry, I just have to breathe and I cry. So, I have a pretty dry moment here and thought I would take the opportunity to see if I could get my thoughts down before I fall apart again.
Why is that we seem to be prompted to do exactly what we don't want to do? I know we are supposed to have faith, remember the bigger picture. I haven't really wanted to think of what I needed to do because it means being filled with an abundant amount of pain, not that I am not already in pain but this one is going to be overwhelming. Everywhere I look, everything I read tells me to let go... I know these things happen with small whispers and they just keep getting bigger until I either follow or I am taken down myself.
I've known for awhile that this was to be my decision, I really, really don't like being the strong one... I just want to be the one who is taken care of, not the one who has to decide to do the right thing. I have so much to lose and I am terrified, really terrified but that is when I have to do it the most.
So much for the dry moment, that is gone, now I am a sobbing mess. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days. I have to work, I will just cry at work, on the bus, at home... All I can say is doing the right thing sucks, really sucks. I have this need to want to make people feel better, happier, peaceful, joyful.... what I have to do won't do that, it will be sad and I will be the one who inflicts it but I need to do this to heal. I have to heal or I will never be whole.
I have one thing I need to say, I love all of your comments, each and everyone of them are truly treasured but I don't want to hear that I am making the right decision... I know that I am but I am not happy:( The good thing is this won't be forever, I believe in the bigger picture!
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield