I need to listen to myself more; I know deep down what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm going. Just because some people doubt this doesn't mean it's not meant to be.
I think being so sick centered me, I was so in tune with how I felt. It wasn't even something I could cover up. Nothing would have really worked, I just had to let it run its course. Plus I was able to see and feel things I might not have otherwise seen.
I was thinking about all the addictions I've had in my life and how all they truly ended up being, were things to cover up pain, something to stop me from feeling. Since I no longer have those addictions I find myself actually feeling, it's painful but it's the only way I can heal.
If I don't allow myself to feel, then I will never heal and grow to my potential. The more I feel, the more I want to cover the pain but I made myself a promise that I won't cover it anymore. I have to keep a promise to myself sometime.
All this means is that I can cry just like that and laugh the next minute. Although it's difficult to see at the moment, I know there is beauty in feeling, for if we refuse to feel pain we will never really feel joy. I want to feel true joy!
I've had many addictions, I was the queen of covering up and not feeling; there is little I haven't done to not feel. I don't think poorly of myself, I was a hurt little girl inside who couldn't see a way out, it didn't mean I was bad, it meant I was sad.
If Heavenly Father can forgive me, I don't have to worry about what other people think of those addictions. As David says and I believe whole heartedly, I am not my past; I have found a different way to deal with my pain now, it's called feeling my emotions.
Is it hard to feel? You bet it is but the alternative isn't an option anymore. Every time I feel like sliding I first think of Heavenly Father, then myself and then David (three people I no longer want to disappoint).