Monday, December 24, 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012 and frankly I don't think I can be much sadder than I am right now.  I know, not the most uplifting thing to post but it's the reason I haven't written lately because I didn't want to have a sad post.  Especially this time of year, I should be happy... I should be filled with joy... I should be excited.  I am none of these, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost and I am lonely.

I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together.  I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.

I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart.  Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.

I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it.  Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me.  I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then.  Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.

Last night my little one offered the prayer at bedtime, I was pleasantly surprised, she had said it the night before and we usually take turns.  The prayer she said was from the heart and it made me cry, cry because she has the same dream I have and it's bad enough that mine is broken but I didn't want hers broken too...

I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans.  Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed that I didn't think more about what this could do to Valentina, mostly I cannot believe that I didn't even entertain the thought that it might not work out.... namely because there was and is no tangible reason.  After Christmas I am going to have to sit down and break my little girls heart and she and I are going to have to move on from this, I just hope she will be able to trust again one day, I am not sure about me.

So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.


"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


14 comments:

  1. Launna, you are not alone in not feeling happy and joyous at this Christmas time. Many feel heart broken myself included. We try to put on a brave face, smiling and making others feel good but deep in our hearts we are weeping and in emotional pain. Even today I sat in pain and tried to make others feel better and happy. We do our best to walk through these next days to come until the new year passes and normality so called resumes.When we are left to tend our broken hearts and pray the pain will ease. My heart cries for you Launna and I pray you find a little peace the peace really that only God can give. Take care.

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  2. Thank you Behind the Smile... I am trying to hold on until the New Year, I need to do this for Valentina;)

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  3. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so sad, Launna. I hope the sadness will lift soon and that Christmas will be happy for you and your daughter.

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  4. Thank you Daisy, I am working hard to stay happy for my munchkin, she deserves it:)

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  5. Mhm, I think, someday we both will feel better.
    Because without sad moments, there could be no happiness.
    It's just... these sad moments are so hard and it often looks as if they would never end.

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  6. Yes Sonja, one day we will feel better... I hope that for both of us... the sad moments have to end sometime.

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  7. Happy Mery xmas too Launa..dun worry be happy owez ok...^____^

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  8. Thank you Wawa, I am working on being happy... happy holidays to you too:)

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  9. I hope that you believe in Santa ( I know some of my friends in their fourtys still want to believe in Santa ) If you do, I hope that he brought for you a bag full of happiness. I would walk in in that bag and ask him to deliver me to your land so I can bring some smiles to you. Meanwhile I hope that you are keeping us all from the tri state area in your prayers as well. We had more than our share of tear drops.

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  10. Thank you Munir... everyone seems to have had a rough year... I look forward to a new chapter in my life... I keep everyone in my prayers:)

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  11. merry christmas!
    love from ines

    http://bahbohh.blogspot.com

    art blog
    http://inesacedo.blogspot.com

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  12. I wish you and your girls happy Holidays and a lovely New Year filled with astonishing, breathtaking new experiences...Kisses.

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  13. Thank you Ines, I hope you had a Merry Christmas too, enjoy the rest of the holidays. Thank you for the kind and sweet comment :)

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  14. WOW Petronela, that was beautiful what you wished for me, thank you so much... I wish the same for you :)

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